Category: Funny

Just imagine if MSIE was your girlfriend: “She frequently gets infected with STDs. She frequently shows up where you haven’t invited her. She allows everybody in to install surveillance equipment in your house, without ever telling you.” Hilarious reading. Link via Neil.

Buy this for your dog, and let the photo opportunities commence. Link via BB.

When you’re pondering over what to eat at the holiday meals this year, be sure to follow these simple guidelines (thanks Barney for these).

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.

Since I did some Bush-bashing earlier, I know you Republicans will love this one.

I actually remember watching that show quite a bit, and remember the scenes at the end of the show where he typed into his journal. I would’ve loved to have seen these come across his screen. Some examples:

November 17, 1989

Sometimes the best advice is in the last place you look, and by “best advice,” I mean, “my wristwatch.” And by “the last place you look,” I mean, “Mr. Cheswick’s esophagus.”

May 7, 1992

This week, I finally found myself. No, really. Vinnie and I split a sixty of Triple Sec and nine hours later I found myself sleeping in the bushes beside the Taco Bell, wearing nothing but a couple of napkins and a plastic sombrero.

Apparently the new WonderBras are getting recalled because they have been breaking and allowing the woman’s breasts to fall free. And they act like this is a bad thing. Full Story.

American author and journalist Tom Wolfe won one of the world’s most dreaded literary accolades on Monday — the British prize for bad sex in fiction. He was nominated in part not only for the headline of this post, but for this lovely passage:

But the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns — oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest — no, the hand was cupping her entire right — Now!

Full Story. Thanks Cheryl for the link.

Dear Friends,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.

The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird crap.

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can’t read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.

Maybe next year I will be able to get my crap together and bring you the things you want.

This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.

Love,

Santa

(Thanks Barney for That).

I’ve been asked some random questions during interviews before, but nothing quite like this.

The most entertaining question I can remember (and made me respect the interviewer a great deal) was when somebody asked me what the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow was. I answered, in perfect Monte Python form, “African or European?” I didn’t get the job, but I got a blog reader out of it, so it equaled out (would’ve liked the job better, but what can you do?).