Category: Funny

It’s used to catch idiot crooks (thanks Barney).

My grand-dad always told me that you should always carry a deck of cards with you so that if you get lost, you could start playing solitaire and somebody will always come by and tell you to put the red jack on the black queen. Now I’m going to start carrying a deck of cards and a fiber optic cable with me after seeing this quote on somebody’s signature.

Always carry a short length of fibre-optic cable. If you get lost, then you can drop it on the ground, wait 10 minutes, and ask the backhoe operator how to get back to civilization. –Mike Andrews

I truly hate the drivers who go 45 MPH down the 55 MPH highway but when somebody makes the attempt to pass them, suddenly their car is capable of driving 90 MPH in about a quarter of a second. Simone sums up my feelings of The NWIHAYGTPM Driver perfectly.

I frequently get people e-mailing me jokes and such to post on this site, so when I say a message in my inbox that appeared to be a Blond joke, I didn’t think anything of it. Until I read the whole thing.

Here’s the full text of the message that was sent my direction (URLs have been removed):

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?”

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, “Sure!”

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, “352.”

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, “You’re right! O.K., I’ll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock.”

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, “O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?”

—

Good day.

First of all, sorry for inconvenience. I have decided to put one of the best jokes to each of my advertising messages. I promise you to choose one of the best jokes each day, hope it would decrease your irritation of my messages.

And, of course, 🙂 I need to offer you some goods. I always take only the best offers for my audience, usually I test it by myself. 100% quality, low prices, fast delivery. I hope, this joke about the blonde was new and funny for you. Today i want to offer you absolutely new Penis Enlargement Patch.

http://www.xxxx.xxxxx/xxxxx

Click on this link to keep up my beginning of making spam not so boring thing.

Have a nice day.

I have to say, I could put up with spam if it came with entertaining jokes. However, I’m still not clicking on the link as I think my penis is a fine size, thank you.

It was 30-inches long, for cripes sake, so I could (almost) understand people freaking out thinking it was a weapon. Almost.

A call about a possible weapon at a middle school prompted police to put armed officers on rooftops, close nearby streets and lock down the school. All over a giant burrito.

Someone called authorities Thursday after seeing a boy carrying something long and wrapped into Marshall Junior High.

The drama ended two hours later when the suspicious item was identified as a 30-inch burrito filled with steak, guacamole, lettuce, salsa and jalapenos and wrapped inside tin foil and a white T-shirt.

Thanks Barney for the link.

Somebody had way too much time on their hands, and decided to strap a pedometer to his wrist while he was…uh…having too much time with his hands. He published the results in a nice pretty graph, calculating the average amount of strokes, and even created a new unit of measurement: the wack.

It’s bad enough when a tornado rips off the roof of your home, but it’s even worse when it exposes your elaborate marijuana-growing operation.

I think these extensions for the technologically inept would make the browser far more popular.