Category: Funny

May 2004 be good to you and to us all. May your kids be released on their own recognizances and their arrest records sealed. May the funny noise in the your old car turn out to be only the skin of your lost cat, trapped in the fanbelt.

May the mean old lady from the IRS find your house, but be struck by lightning on the front walk. May your doctor smile when he says “I have some rather urgent news for you.”

May the guy who sells lottery tickets look up at your approach and shout “gather round people, here he comes!” or “she comes!”

May your wife’s boyfriend turn blue and burst into flame from a viagra overdose. Or may your husband’s girlfriend’s hair fall out, poisoned by silicone leaks.

May the relative who dies and leaves you a fortune be a stupid bastard you never really liked.

May the judge look up and say “guilty? of course you couldn’t be guilty–not a sweetheart like you.”

May friends with benighted politics write you deathbed letters, confessing they now realize that you were right all their lives, and they were miserably wrong.

May you find great love, and get away with it. May your enemies develop incurable rashes. May you leave this world a better place for your having been here, or at least get an unfair share of the credit.

Thanks to Barney for the link. Happy New Year everybody — I’m going to bed before Dick Clark pops on the tube. I’ll probably celebrate the new year (an hour from now) in bed. G’night!

All this girl wants is a career in the porn industry, and the Lincoln, Nebraska, police just won’t let her have it. Granted, she’s posing nude in public places in Lincoln (keep and eye out for her, Gregg), which is why she’s getting in trouble. Needless to say, her Web site (not even remotely safe for work) is getting a pile of traffic because of all the media attention she’s getting. If she was having trouble getting exposure before, she’s undoubtedly getting it now.

(It had been a a while since we’ve had a Michael Jackson post. Thanks Yoleen)

A full 103-page PDF report that contains a “sampling of reports that reference passenger misconduct.” Basically, it’s a bunch of report of airline passengers being idiots. The reports are full of the typical drunks and people trying to get upgrades because they think they have been treated badly. Al’s Morning Meeting Provided the link, and some examples of what’s there:

Page 13 includes a first class passenger reading a porno mag and causing — how shall I say — a disturbance.

Page 21 is a report about how people using cell phones apparently caused the auto pilot to malfunction. The pilot had made an announcement on the intercom about the start of the Iraq ground war that excited people so they started firing up their cell phones.

Page 27 is about an irate passenger throwing ice at a “religious official” sitting in front of her. They cuffed her and hauled her off the plane. She seemed fine just before she started drinking a Bloody Mary.

Page 59 features a loose dog on the plane — the owner was drunk and abused the flight attendant. The plane landed at DFW.

Page 67 has just one of several stories about passengers who would not get off their cell phones during takeoff. Other passengers unite in a verbal revolt.

Page 25 is a bizarre story about a San Francisco TV chopper that somebody ought to report. The TV reporter in the chopper was apparently taking a picture of a beer stein for a friend when the stein fell out of the helicopter over a populated area.

Heck, print the thing out and take it on a flight with you — it should keep you busy for all of it.

Would they look something like this?

At least you didn’t get a crappy sweater (though I think the shiny gold pants the lady is wearing are far more repulsive than all the sweaters in her gallery).

And all they can find for a photograph for the story is a picture of a scantily-clad Britney Spears?

Bell South is getting out of the pay phone business, and is selling off old pay phones. While these phones don’t require money to operate, your friends don’t know that. I can see this as a way to make a few bucks. <insert evil laughter>

A little holiday cheer for ya before you start opening presents tomorrow (or, like my in-laws, today): See how far you can chuck Santa. I got 350.4 (which is, I think, about as far as he can go, but prove me wrong). Thanks to The Bastard for the link.

Ozguru doesn’t plan on posting for a few days after Christmas, as he’ll be away from his computer. So what’s he doing today (Christmas Eve in Australia)? He’s going on a marathon day today, posting a joke or an entry every 30 minutes, to hopefully keep us pacified until he gets back. But if you’re looking for Christmas jokes, just watch the front page for a while.