Category: Funny

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man, “same for me,” says the ostrich.

“A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $12.62.”

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer.

“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

Thanks to Shasta Bob for the Joke.

How To Take Care of The Kids, Part II

A while back I posted a funny pic about how you should take care of your kids if they’re rotten.

Here’s another example of what can be done, especially if you’re stuck takin’ your kids to “National Take Your Child to Work Day” or something similar 😉

Headlines of the Year

From Barney again, headlines that were published in newspapers during 2003:

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS – Good thing an expert was able to explain what an ordinary person could only suspect.

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS – Now that ought to put a stop to it!

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS – I bet that will keep them busy!

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH – That’s the problem with unions – always finding some excuse to stop working.

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT – Great idea! This must have happened in Texas. It sounds drastic, but I suspect it would be effective.

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE – But at least it didn’t extinguish it entirely.

IF STRIKE ISN’T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST AWHILE

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES – There’s a connection? You HAVE to be kidding…

COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES – New technology, lighter weight but stronger materials – where will it end?

TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD

MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE – Hope it works.

NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS – Hmmm, that little tidbit could come in handy….

CHEF THROWS HIS HEART INTO HELPING FEED NEEDY – Now THAT’S commitment.

LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF – One or two of those and I bet the rest will stay in school!

HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS – Oh my. I wonder how big their lawyers are?

The Stella Awards

The Stella Awards were inspired by Stella Liebeck. In 1992, Stella, then 79, spilled a cup of McDonald’s coffee onto her lap, burning herself. A New Mexico jury awarded her $2.9 million in damages. Ever since, the name “Stella Award” has been applied to any wild, outrageous, or ridiculous lawsuits.

Barney sent me what appears to be 2003’s list of winners, as it’s not listed on their web site (2002’s Winners are here). Read on below for the full, hilarious, results….

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If this isn’t a porn URL…

I don’t know what is (and no, it’s not a porn URL, it sure looks like one, though).

Make Hillary Dance

We all know that some day, Hillary Clinton will probably run for President. I don’t see why she wouldn’t, to be honest with you. But one thing’s for sure: She’s fun to watch on the dance floor, and that’ll probably get her some votes.

How long until this guy gets sued?

An alert gamer notices a URL on a billboard in XBox’s Rainbow Six, see it is available, buys it, turns it into porn site. Full Story.

Anybody know the URL? I don’t have an XBox, so I wouldn’t know, I just wanted to link it for, uh…, journalistic value :-).

“We are not responsible for the internet”

I’m not, and neither is Hasbro.

A Ford probably wouldn’t have even made it that far

Doing 100mph in a Chevrolet Blazer while being chased by the police is scary. Attempting to cross a river while doing it is stupid (make sure the watch the video). Link via Fark.

Need a new pet?

I’ve heard penguins make nice pets. Really. Link from Neil.