If you ever want to get on the Price is Right, it might help if you wear one of these T-Shirts.
Category: Funny
Republican Convention Schedule Revised — Again
I posted a few days ago an entertaining looks at what the RNC schedule might look like. I just got another one from Barney that’s pretty dang entertaining:
6:00 PM – Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM – Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM – Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)
6:45 PM – Salute to the “Coalition of the Willing”
6:46 PM – Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on “Are Elections Really Necessary?”
7:30 PM – Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan
7:35 PM – Trent Lott – “Re-segregation in the 21st Century”
7:40 PM – EPA Address #1: “Mercury: It’s What’s for Dinner”
8:00 PM – Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM – Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM – John Ashcroft Lecture: “The Homos Are After Your Children”
8:30 PM – Round table discussion on reproductive rights (Men Only)
8:50 PM – Seminar #2: “Corporations: The Government of the Future”
9:00 PM – Condi Rice sings “Can’t Help Lovin’ Dat Man”
9:05 PM – Phyllis Schlafly speaks on “Why Women Shouldn’t Be Leaders”
9:10 PM – EPA Address #2: “Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires”
9:30 PM – Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM – Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM – Karl Rove Lecture: “Doublespeak Made Simple”
10:30 PM – Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: “How to Squint and Talk Macho Even When You Feel Squishy Inside”
10:35 PM – Bush demonstration of trademark “deer in headlights” stare
10:40 PM – John Ashcroft Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt
10:45 PM – GOP’s Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell & Condi Rice
10:46 PM – Ann Coulter’s Tribute to “Joe McCarthy, American Patriot”
10:50 PM – Seminar #3: “Education: A Drain on Our Nation’s Economy”
11:10 PM – Hilary Clinton Pinata
11:20 PM – John Ashcroft Lecture: “Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult”
11:30 PM – Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35 PM – Blame Clinton
11:40 PM – Newt Gingrich speaks on “The Sanctity of Marriage”
11:41 PM – Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore
11:50 PM – Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself
12:00 Mid – Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord
Revised Republican National Convention Schedule
Republican Convention Schedule, Revised
6:00pm – Opening prayer
6:15pm – Supplementary opening prayer
6:30pm – Prayer in thanks of first two prayers
6:45pm – New energy policy presented by Exxon
7:00pm – Canonization of Reagan
7:15pm – Additional prayers
7:30pm – Opening remarks by Halliburton
8:00pm – Prayer for the safety and well-being of Ken “Kenny-boy” Lay
8:15pm – Additional remarks by Halliburton
8:30pm – Stoning of the first homosexual
8:45pm – New healthcare polices presented by HMO leader, Kaiser Permanente
9:00pm – Invasion of Iran or North Korea (TBA)
9:15pm – Halliburton contributes 1.4 billion to Republican party
9:30pm – Reagan elevated to savior, Holy Trinity now referred to as “the quads”
9:45pm – Bush undergoes plastic surgery to look more like Reagan
10:00pm – Chaney runs into Ron Reagan, Jr. Tells him to go f–k himself
10:15pm – Recall of troops from accidental invasion of South Korea (Bush: “Damn, the SOUTH is our ally. My bad.”)
10:30pm – Burning at the stake of 16 year-old Jenny Williams, who had an illegal abortion after being raped by her cousin
10:45pm – Dancing around the golden calf
11:00pm – Stoning of the partner of the first homosexual
11:15pm – New forestry policy presented by Weyerhaeuser
11:45pm – Thanking God for his wisdom in choosing Bush as president
12:00pm – Closing prayers (lasting until 2:00am)
(Thanks to Barney for This Forward)
Canceling AOL Isn’t Easy
They make it very difficult sometimes. Of course, I mentioned a while back how a guy managed to cancel it in 3 minutes, but I’m only linking back to that posting because some of the comments on that entry really show the intelligence level of some AOL folks.
Why I Won’t Vote For Bush
This video pretty much sums it up. Thanks Evan for the link.
Morning Funny
From Joke A Day:
A school teacher asks her class “What vegetable makes your eyes water?”
Little Johnny replies, “An eggplant.”
“No, Johnny,” says the teacher, “I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren’t you?”
“No, ma’am,” Says Johnny, “Have you never been hit in the balls with an eggplant?”
Where was John Kerry?
You have to love great satire:
A new Republican-financed negative ad is accusing Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry of fleeing to Vietnam to avoid serving in the Alabama National Guard.
The ad, airing in most of the so-called battleground states, attempts to contrast Sen. Kerry’s alleged guard-dodging with the storied Alabama National Guard heroism of the Republican nominee, President George W. Bush.
In the ad, a narrator asks, “When the Alabama National Guard called young Americans to serve, where was John Kerry? Thousands of miles away, in Vietnam.”
The commercial ends with a black-and-white freeze-frame of Mr. Kerry, over which the narrator asks, “John Kerry. reporting for duty?”
Priceless. Link from Barney.
Kerry Denies Performing Gay Weddings On Swift Boat
Another wonderful piece of satire:
One Million Anti-Kerry Boatmates March on Washington Democratic nominee John Kerry today blasted a just-released attack ad in which a new group of swift boat veterans accuse him of performing hundreds of gay weddings on the boat he commanded during that conflict.
The ad, financed by a group calling itself Swift Boat Veterans For Truth About Gay Weddings On Swift Boats, accuses Sen. Kerry of using his status as commanding officer on his boat to perform gay weddings on an almost non-stop basis.
Link from Barney.
The War Medals of George W. Bush
Quoting this site:
George W. Bush doesn’t flaunt his hard-won war medals. Occasionally he will wear them if he is attending a formal or military event, but for the most part, they are tucked away in his trophy cabinet.
Due to a large number of requests for information about his wartime heroism, I began studying his medals. What I found surprised me, and I felt it was my duty as an American to spread these remarkable findings.
I like the “Leadership Star.” Link via Waxy.