Republican Convention Schedule Revised — Again

I posted a few days ago an entertaining looks at what the RNC schedule might look like. I just got another one from Barney that’s pretty dang entertaining:

6:00 PM – Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell

6:30 PM – Pledge of Allegiance

6:35 PM – Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)

6:45 PM – Salute to the “Coalition of the Willing”

6:46 PM – Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on “Are Elections Really Necessary?”

7:30 PM – Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan

7:35 PM – Trent Lott – “Re-segregation in the 21st Century”

7:40 PM – EPA Address #1: “Mercury: It’s What’s for Dinner”

8:00 PM – Vote on which country to invade next

8:10 PM – Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh

8:15 PM – John Ashcroft Lecture: “The Homos Are After Your Children”

8:30 PM – Round table discussion on reproductive rights (Men Only)

8:50 PM – Seminar #2: “Corporations: The Government of the Future”

9:00 PM – Condi Rice sings “Can’t Help Lovin’ Dat Man”

9:05 PM – Phyllis Schlafly speaks on “Why Women Shouldn’t Be Leaders”

9:10 PM – EPA Address #2: “Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires”

9:30 PM – Break for secret meetings

10:00 PM – Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas

10:15 PM – Karl Rove Lecture: “Doublespeak Made Simple”

10:30 PM – Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: “How to Squint and Talk Macho Even When You Feel Squishy Inside”

10:35 PM – Bush demonstration of trademark “deer in headlights” stare

10:40 PM – John Ashcroft Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt

10:45 PM – GOP’s Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell & Condi Rice

10:46 PM – Ann Coulter’s Tribute to “Joe McCarthy, American Patriot”

10:50 PM – Seminar #3: “Education: A Drain on Our Nation’s Economy”

11:10 PM – Hilary Clinton Pinata

11:20 PM – John Ashcroft Lecture: “Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult”

11:30 PM – Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again

11:35 PM – Blame Clinton

11:40 PM – Newt Gingrich speaks on “The Sanctity of Marriage”

11:41 PM – Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore

11:50 PM – Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself

12:00 Mid – Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord