Ordering Pizza in 2008

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?

Customer: Hi, I’d like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it’s 6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is [email protected]. Which number are you calling from sir?

Customer: Huh? I’m at home. Where’d you get all this information?

Operator: We’re wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We’re wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I’d like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.

Operator: I don’t think that’s a good idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you’ve got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won’t allow such an unhealthy choice.

Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I’m sure you’ll like it.

Customer: What makes you think I’d like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out ‘Gourmet Soybean Recipes’ from your local library last week, sir. That’s why I made the suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.

Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator: I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid you’ll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I’ll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.

Operator: That won’t work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I’ll have the cash ready. How long will it take?

Operator: We’re running a little behind, sir. It’ll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you’re in a hurry you might want to pick’em up while you’re out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?

Operator: It says here you’re in appears on your car payments, so your car got repo’ed. But your Harley’s paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.

Customer: Well, I’ll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#

Operator: I’d advise watching your language, sir. You’ve already got a July 4, 2003 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.

Operator: I’m sorry sir, but our ad’s exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.

Thanks Barney for that.

Comments

Health Insecurity

When I saw President Clinton hold up a mock “Health Security” card during his 1995 State of the Union address, I had what I thought…

Someone says:

It appears someone has too much time on their hands, and has decided to write something like this, to attract the attention of people like me. Well, I highly doubt that such a thing will occur in 2008, seeing as how the United States is not totalitarianist country, nor does big brother watch every move you make. Perhaps you’ve been corrupted into thinking such outrageous things about your own government, who is supposed to be protecting you, and you pay them back by saying that they will sell you out to the pizza hut. Hmmmm, you’re quite the imaginitive…or idiotic person, because we all know that somewhere like pizza hut is going to need to know what kind of automobile we drive; how many spouses and siblings we have; all your phone numbers, adresses, and email accounts; any perdinant health information; anything having to do with infractions of the law; or for that matter, and other personal and confidential matters that need not apply when ordering a large pepperoni pizza. People these days…