From Ruminate.com:
I like to look on the bright side: Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
I’ve been married about 10 years now, but the wind chill makes it feel more like 50.
Of all the nicknames I had in high school, I think “Fat-ass, worthless, greasy, pizza-face waste of skin” was the worst. Either that, or “Spud.”
Whenever I get a nasty migraine headache, I start to think that I should be using a hammer to drive nails, rather than my head. Then I come to my senses and think, “Where’s the fun in THAT?!?”
How could they fire me?!? Putting “Ottoman Empire expert” on my resume as a euphemism for “couch potato” wasn’t being dishonest!
My dream job is to be a professional musician in the “Jeopardy!” house band — because then I’d only have to learn that one song.