My son asked me, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" I told him that bad things usually happen to bad people *first*. I didn't tell him that the bad people then go and take it out on the first candy-ass do-gooder they come across. He'll learn that on his own in junior high, one way or another.
I bet those gangsta rappers aren't such tough guys. Hell, my 90-year-old grandpa curses and wears pants that are three sizes too big, too.
I think you could save money on a haircut by dropping a really angry cat on your head.
I keep telling my wife: "It's NOT cheating on you with your sister, it's making love to you by proxy."Some women just don't understand.
One good thing about knowing North Korea has nukes that can reach the United States: My constipation has cleared *right* up!
Sometimes, when I drop my pen, I can't help but wonder if it's really God's way of saying he wants to see my butt.
I call my retriever puppy "Skipper" because he bounces two or three times every time I throw him out of the boat. He seems to like it though, unlike like his predecessor, Mr. Drowny.