The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man, “same for me,” says the ostrich.

“A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $12.62.”

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer.

“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

Thanks to Shasta Bob for the Joke.

How To Take Care of The Kids, Part II

A while back I posted a funny pic about how you should take care of your kids if they’re rotten.

Here’s another example of what can be done, especially if you’re stuck takin’ your kids to “National Take Your Child to Work Day” or something similar 😉

Can we send him there?

President Bush wants to establish a permanent human presence on the moon. I think there are better things to worry about right now (*cough*enormous debt*cough*) then blowing/budgeting money for something like this.

Woman’s Skin Falls Off, Miraculously Lives

A “How In the Hell is this Lady Still Alive?!?!” type of story from Gregg.

Headlines of the Year

From Barney again, headlines that were published in newspapers during 2003:

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS – Good thing an expert was able to explain what an ordinary person could only suspect.

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS – Now that ought to put a stop to it!

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS – I bet that will keep them busy!

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH – That’s the problem with unions – always finding some excuse to stop working.

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT – Great idea! This must have happened in Texas. It sounds drastic, but I suspect it would be effective.

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE – But at least it didn’t extinguish it entirely.

IF STRIKE ISN’T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST AWHILE

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES – There’s a connection? You HAVE to be kidding…

COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES – New technology, lighter weight but stronger materials – where will it end?

TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD

MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE – Hope it works.

NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS – Hmmm, that little tidbit could come in handy….

CHEF THROWS HIS HEART INTO HELPING FEED NEEDY – Now THAT’S commitment.

LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF – One or two of those and I bet the rest will stay in school!

HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS – Oh my. I wonder how big their lawyers are?

Need Windows 2003 Small Business Server CALs?

From an e-mail I just got from Outlook Tips:

In response to the Windows SharePoint Services and Windows Small Business Server 2003 installation issue, all Windows Small Business Server 2003 (standard and premium edition) customers are eligible to order five free Client Access Licenses (CALs). The offer is available now through February 5, 2004.

This offer is available to all Windows Small Business Server 2003 customers, including those who licensed the product prior to January 5, 2004. This offer includes Retail, Open, and OEM SKUs. To qualify, customers must provide a valid Windows Small Business Server 2003 product ID. Customers are eligible for one 5-pack CAL for each licensed copy of Windows Small Business Server 2003. Customers can choose either user or device CALs.

To order your five free CALs, complete the order form here. I actually have a copy of that server on order for work (once it gets here), so I know I’ll be taking advantage of this.

The Stella Awards

The Stella Awards were inspired by Stella Liebeck. In 1992, Stella, then 79, spilled a cup of McDonald’s coffee onto her lap, burning herself. A New Mexico jury awarded her $2.9 million in damages. Ever since, the name “Stella Award” has been applied to any wild, outrageous, or ridiculous lawsuits.

Barney sent me what appears to be 2003’s list of winners, as it’s not listed on their web site (2002’s Winners are here). Read on below for the full, hilarious, results….

(more…)

Anybody need a Register.com coupon?

Apparently I was part of a class-action law-suit because I registered a domain years ago with Register.com. Register.com’s settlement in the case was to give coupons for domain registrations and renewals. Since all my domains are going through GoDaddy, and I don’t plan on moving them, these coupon code can go to whomever wants them (they’re $5 off coupons and will expire in nine months):

ZCA5REG (For New Registrations)

ZCA5REN (For Renewals)

I’m sure these aren’t coupons specific to me, but here you go anyway. Have fun!

Back to work and way too busy

I went back to work last Sunday for the first time in about two months. Needless to say I’m a bit behind on projects, despite my working from home.

The blogging’s been a bit slim, I know, and it’s because work is wearing me out. I’m making it through fine, legs and back aren’t really that sore, but it’s still taking it out of me.

I’m not supposed to sit more than 15 minutes at a time, so I’m on my feet most of the day, which is partially what’s wearing me out. And I’ve had to tie up a pile of loose ends that were brutally un-tied while I was gone.

And then there are my package problems. I was supposed to get a Microsoft Action Pack update in November. Microsoft sent the package to my office’s physical address, which would’ve been fine — if we could get U.S. Mail there. We have a PO Box. Their previous updates were sent via UPS, so it was fine that things came to the physical address. Needless to say, I’m still waiting for my November update, though they claim to be overnighting it.

Then I order some Citrix Software updates. I call the guy I bought the software from, he says he completely forgot to send it. So he overnights it via FedEx — to my PO Box. I wouldn’t have known this had I not gotten a post card from FedEx asking them for a proper address. I call the number on the post card, and discover a message machine that gives me all of about 10 seconds to rattle off all the various numbers on the post card, give them the right address, my name and phone number. Needless to say, I don’t know where my package is, though the tracking number says it’s in Portland.

And Portland — it’s a mess there with the storms they’ve had the last couple days. And I have a total of 5 FedEx and UPS packages for work and home that, according to the tracking numbers, are still in Portland, and have been there for a couple days. Hopefully it will warm up and my packages can make it over the pass.

OK, it’s late, I’m tired, I’m going to bed.

If this isn’t a porn URL…

I don’t know what is (and no, it’s not a porn URL, it sure looks like one, though).