Republican Convention Schedule, Revised
6:00pm – Opening prayer
6:15pm – Supplementary opening prayer
6:30pm – Prayer in thanks of first two prayers
6:45pm – New energy policy presented by Exxon
7:00pm – Canonization of Reagan
7:15pm – Additional prayers
7:30pm – Opening remarks by Halliburton
8:00pm – Prayer for the safety and well-being of Ken “Kenny-boy” Lay
8:15pm – Additional remarks by Halliburton
8:30pm – Stoning of the first homosexual
8:45pm – New healthcare polices presented by HMO leader, Kaiser Permanente
9:00pm – Invasion of Iran or North Korea (TBA)
9:15pm – Halliburton contributes 1.4 billion to Republican party
9:30pm – Reagan elevated to savior, Holy Trinity now referred to as “the quads”
9:45pm – Bush undergoes plastic surgery to look more like Reagan
10:00pm – Chaney runs into Ron Reagan, Jr. Tells him to go f–k himself
10:15pm – Recall of troops from accidental invasion of South Korea (Bush: “Damn, the SOUTH is our ally. My bad.”)
10:30pm – Burning at the stake of 16 year-old Jenny Williams, who had an illegal abortion after being raped by her cousin
10:45pm – Dancing around the golden calf
11:00pm – Stoning of the partner of the first homosexual
11:15pm – New forestry policy presented by Weyerhaeuser
11:45pm – Thanking God for his wisdom in choosing Bush as president
12:00pm – Closing prayers (lasting until 2:00am)
(Thanks to Barney for This Forward)