A Note From Santa

Dear Friends,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.

The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird crap.

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can’t read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.

Maybe next year I will be able to get my crap together and bring you the things you want.

This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.

Love,

Santa

(Thanks Barney for That).

December 8, 2004

A Special Kind Of Idiot

It takes a special person to get busted for speeding nine times in three weeks — by the same roadside camera.

December 7, 2004

Kids Are Dumb

Why in God’s name would you ever play a game where you would choke somebody until the pass out? Are people just idiots? Apparently.

December 7, 2004

The French Are Idiots

The French gripe about not getting respect and they are constantly made fun of, but when they do stupid crap like this, it’s hard to take them seriously.

France’s interior minister called it “scandalous.” The Figaro newspaper called it ridiculous. But the bottom line, four days after gendarmes at Roissy-Charles de Gaulle International Airport planted explosives in an unsuspecting passenger’s suitcase, was that nobody knew where the explosives had gone.

“We hope the person who finds this will take it to the local authorities,” said a spokesman for the gendarmerie, France’s national police, who planted the mobile-phone-size lump of plastic explosives as part of an exercise to train bomb-sniffing dogs.

Thanks Barney for the tip.

December 7, 2004

Get Sleep, Don’t Get Fat

All you have to do it get more sleep, and apparently you won’t get fat. Or something like that. Thanks Barney for the tip.

December 7, 2004

Packer Fans are Bigger Than Christ

Green Bay Packer fans managed to convince the local Catholic church to change their service schedule so that they could watch the game. Full Story.

December 6, 2004

Attention Parents of Teenagers

Scientific dollars are being spent on research for what you already know: Teenagers fail to see the consequences.

December 6, 2004

It’s Snowing

This is what the scene looks like right now outside my office:

That was taken from our Web cam here at the office. It doesn’t really show that great of quality, but there’s at least 3-4 inches on the the ground and still coming.

The roads to work are ugly, that’s for sure. Only took me twice as long to get out here (an hour versus 30 minutes).

December 6, 2004

Odd Ball Interview Questions

I’ve been asked some random questions during interviews before, but nothing quite like this.

The most entertaining question I can remember (and made me respect the interviewer a great deal) was when somebody asked me what the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow was. I answered, in perfect Monte Python form, “African or European?” I didn’t get the job, but I got a blog reader out of it, so it equaled out (would’ve liked the job better, but what can you do?).

December 5, 2004

Children’s Knitted Gimp Suit

These are the freakiest thing I’ve seen in a long time.

December 5, 2004