Category: Funny

Anheuser-Busch Unveils New Alcohol Awareness Campaign. I think we’re all aware of beer’s existence, thank you. Link via PRBop.

Most of Oregon is Oregon (and California knows this because we invented chai tea), but the part I live in is considered Death Valley. A great map that, really, I can’t argue with in my dealings with the folks from down south. Link via Waxy’s Links.

(Another Joke from Shasta Bob)

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you, get a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it, get a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want, get a dog.

If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors, get a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn’t care about football, and can sit next to you and watch a romantic movie, get a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores, get a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn’t care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually, get a dog.

But on the other hand, if you want someone…

…who will never come when you call,

…ignores you totally when you come home,

…leaves hair all over the place,

…walks all over you,

…runs around all night,

…only comes home to eat and sleep,

…and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness,

Then my friend……Get a cat.

Disclaimer:

Any resemblance to a man is purely coincidental.

All you need is a spare set of kidneys.

Wonder who signed the permission slips for this one (thanks to Shasta Bob for the pic)…

Remember to stop when the red lights flash.

I have never played a stupid little Flash game that relieved the stress so well.

And this guy’s willing to sell his expertise to us Yankees — assuming we fly him over here.

This has been sitting in my “to blog” folder for a while, but haven’t had a chance to throw it online. While I still wouldn’t vote for Bush, he is a funny guy. He knows a thing or two about putting reporters in their place:

THE PRESIDENT: I need some ribs.

Q Mr. President, how are you?

THE PRESIDENT: I’m hungry and I’m going to order some ribs.

Q What would you like?

THE PRESIDENT: Whatever you think I’d like.

Q Sir, on homeland security, critics would say you simply haven’t spent enough to keep the country secure.

THE PRESIDENT: My job is to secure the homeland and that’s exactly what we’re going to do. But I’m here to take somebody’s order. That would be you, Stretch — what would you like? Put some of your high-priced money right here to try to help the local economy. You get paid a lot of money, you ought to be buying some food here. It’s part of how the economy grows. You’ve got plenty of money in your pocket, and when you spend it, it drives the economy forward. So what would you like to eat?

Q Right behind you, whatever you order.

THE PRESIDENT: I’m ordering ribs. David, do you need a rib?

Q But Mr. President —

THE PRESIDENT: Stretch, thank you, this is not a press conference. This is my chance to help this lady put some money in her pocket. Let me explain how the economy works. When you spend money to buy food it helps this lady’s business. It makes it more likely somebody is going to find work. So instead of asking questions, answer mine: are you going to buy some food?

Q Yes.

THE PRESIDENT: Okay, good. What would you like?

Q Ribs.

THE PRESIDENT: Ribs? Good. Let’s order up some ribs.

Q What do you think of the democratic field, sir?

THE PRESIDENT: See, his job is to ask questions, he thinks my job is to answer every question he asks. I’m here to help this restaurant by buying some food. Terry, would you like something?

Q An answer.

Q Can we buy some questions?

THE PRESIDENT: Obviously these people — they make a lot of money and they’re not going to spend much. I’m not saying they’re overpaid, they’re just not spending any money.

We don’t ask for directions, because women are terrible at giving them. Don’t believe me?

Sent in by Barney, obviously a writer. I do have sympathy for him, having my stories butchered as well.

A writer and an editor were making their way through a hot, dry desert. After several hours in the blistering heat they spotted an oasis up ahead. The writer, a passionate impetuous creature (like all of us), immediately ran to the pond in the oasis and jumped in. The editor sauntered along at his leisure, finally walked up to the pond’s edge, and, while the writer was still happily splashing about, began peeing in it. Appalled, the writer jumped out and cried, “what are you doing??!!!”

Says the editor: “I’m making it better.”