Category: Funny

Joke from Shasta Bob…

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”

He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.

This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, “That was incredible!”

He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion.

You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool.

She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly!

After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”

“No, she said, ‘I was a hooker in Memphis and I worked both sides of the Mississippi River.”

Among the gems: “Yo momma’s butt’s so wide, she needs a 64-bit bus” and “Yo momma’s so ugly, she makes me pine for old FrontPage code.” This was part two of the original Top 11 Yo Mamma Insults for Coders.

“John Stossel” and “journalist” aren’t words that I’d generally put in the same sentence, but sometimes he does do some reports that are pretty entertaining and well done. This one, sent to me by Barney, is a transcript from his “Myths, Lies, and Downright Stupidity” of the notion that America is destroying its forests. And he’s absolutely right: For groups like Sierra Club to survive, they have to scare the hell out of people, and for Weyerhaeuser paper folks to survive, they need to make themselves sound like environmentalists. In between lie us moderates. Read on for the full entertaining transcript…

(more…)

Five year old sprinkles dope on cafeteria lasagna. I’m sure he’s seen mommy sprinkle dry green stuff on hers, and when he found her stash, thought it was oregano, and just assumed it was for food. So I blame the mommy, not the kid.

Another joke from Shasta Bob…

The buzz word in today’s business world is MARKETING. However, people often confuse marketing, spam, public relations, advertising and sales, etc., so here is a simple explanation of “Marketing.”

OK, let’s suppose you’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, “She’s fantastic in bed.”

That’s Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I,” and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”

That’s Brand Recognition.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That’s Sales.

Your friend can’t satisfy him so she calls you.

That’s Tech Support.

You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!”

That’s Spam.

You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your ass.

That’s Arnold Schwarzenegger!

You liked it, but 20 years later your attorney decides you were offended.

That’s America!

They’ve already banned the “F-Word” and now, according the the Plausible News Service and a forward from Barney and the Well, they’re going to just ban the use of the very phrase, the “F-Word”.

The Federal Communications Commission, as part of its ongoing crackdown on obscenity following the Janet Jackson Super Bowl debacle, has announced that the very term “F-word,” which is used to refer to an obscene word for the sexual act, will be banned from all broadcast media beginning July 1.

“Everybody knows what ‘F-word’ means,” said FCC Chairman Michael Powell, describing the new regulations to the Congressional Subcommittee on Moral Purity chaired by Rep. Henry Hyde (R-IL). “So saying ‘F-word’ should be subject to the same kinds of sanctions as saying — well, you know.”

Discussion among the Congresspeople present soon led to other concerns. “Well, what about when people use words like ‘frigging’?” asked Rep. Walter Jones (R-NC). “And then there are all these other variations, like ‘fugging’ and I don’t know what all.”

“Hey, don’t forget about ‘doing the nasty,'” said Rep. Dana Rohrbacher (R-CA). “And what’s this about ‘doing the butter-churn’? And didn’t we have some guy on the radio referring to his sexual glands as ‘apricots’ or something? Should they be able to get away with stuff like that?”

“I think that was ‘avocados,'” said Rep. Jones.

“Well, whatever it was, it’s not acceptable. I understand there are even special sound effects involved,” said Rohrbacher.

“We should probably look at all those matters as well,” said Powell, who later announced a full-fledged investigation into attempts to circumvent obscenity restrictions. “The use of euphemisms and code words to transmit obscene content will not be tolerated,” said Powell

All we have to do is get Muslim men laid. I have to say that this is one of the funniest articles I’ve read in a long time, from one of the funniest comics (if you don’t have a Salon subscription, you’ll have to watch an ad for a second or two). Thanks to Barney for the link.

Barney sends these headlines:

From the BBC: Suicide attack kills one

(doesn’t suicide always kill one?)

From some newspaper’s site: Asteroid Nearly Misses Earth

(if it “nearly misses” wouldn’t we all be dead?)

OK, maybe you have to be a grammarian to appreciate these, but oh well.

If my last name was Pecker, I would make damn sure it never appeared in a headline like this.

Thanks to Barney for the joke…

Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped board off a near by fence, wedged it into the dog’s collar and twisted it, breaking the dog’s neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop,beginning with the headline: “Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal.”

“But I’m not a Celtics fan, “the little hero interjected.

“Sorry,” replied the reporter. “But since we’re in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were.”

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began “John Kerry Fan rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack.”

“But I’m not a Kerry fan either,” the boy responds.

The reporter says, “I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy. “What team or person do you like? ”

“I’m a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush” the boy says. Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again,

“Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet.”