Oregon State Barbie Dolls

What if Mattel were to make Oregon city-specific Barbie dolls? They might end up something like this (and thanks Yoleen for sending this my way).

Portland Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken’s generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often “working late.” Available at all Portland-area Starbucks retailers.

Lake Oswego Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a long-haired foreign lapdog named “Honey.” Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation. Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a Porsche.

NE Portland Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, ’78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth habit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash – preferably small bills, unless you’re a cop, then we don’t know what you’re talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. (Manufacturer’s note: the model recently known as “NE Portland Barbie” is being phased out, as many of the descriptors no longer apply. She will be renamed “Gresham Barbie,” and will come as a complimentary gift with all new accounts at payday loan centers in the greater Gresham area.) Available at many pawn shops.

Dallas Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Auburn Barbie’s trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertible separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Army Navy Surplus.

Pendleton Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2-sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica ‘T’shirt and a Tweedy Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s ass when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his “episodes” with his boss’s daughter. Comes with Barbie’s Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Wal-Mart.

Scio Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out food stamps form. Construction worker Ken and his ’82 Caddy are optional. Available at Value Village.

Eugene Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI.

Ashland Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts. Walks to work. Likes to “experiment,” but will never commit. This model is being phased out and is only available from the manufacturer.

Bend Barbie: This tan, outdoorsy Barbie comes with a luxury SUV, pint of whatever is on micro at Deschutes Brewery, a labrador retriever, and trust fund husband who works part-time as a doctor/lawyer/consultant so that they can spend their afternoons golfing/hiking/rock-climbing/fly-fishing/skiing. Cosmetic surgery and blonde highlights are optional. Bend Barbie comes with your choice of a Westside McMansion in either tan, taupe, sand, or mocha.

Hawthorne Barbie: This Barbie comes with dark-rimmed “smart” glasses, nose piercing, obligatory shoulder tattoo and your choice of green shoulder-length hair or dreadlocks. You’ll have hours of fun driving her around SE Portland in her own 1986 Toyota Corolla adorned with crystals hanging from the rear-view mirror and “Bush lied, People Died” bumper sticker. Hawthorne Barbie comes with an optional “Slacker Ken” doll complete with “Firehouse” T-shirt, scruffy beard and a couch for hours of cartoon doodling and pot smoking. Act now and get a free pack of American Spirit cigarettes and complimentary liberal arts degree from Reed College.

NW 23rd Barbie: This Barbie drives a “Giant” mountain bike through Forest Park and works as a barista at the neighborhood non-Starbucks expresso bar while looking for a party animal named Ken that understands commitment. Trains for the Portland Marathon in Adidas running shorts with the waist-band rolled over, with contrasting sports bra. Trying to decide between graduate school in neuroscience or a Subaru with a 5-speed manual transmission.

OHSU Barbie comes in several models: Nurse Barbie w/ uniform, stethoscope and picket sign, P.R. Barbie w/ mouth large enough to fit foot in and husband Ken who works as editor for local paper who will write whatever she tells him to, and Dr. Barbie w/ matching condo/health club/bioscience center, which was to have a matching Tram but was recalled because it was a choking hazard to any patient who saw the price tag. Available only in Portland.

Salem Barbie: Comes with a bland wardrobe and sensible shoes. The navigation system on her white Jeep Cherokee is preset with her favorite destinations: Target, Big Lots, Tin Tin Buffet, Lancaster Drive, and the Four Square Evangelical Church of Jesus the Redeemer. Customize her ride with included bumper stickers: “Support the Troops,” “Stop Abortion Now,” and “My Child is a Honor Student at Queen of Peace Elementary School.” Salem Ken’s prison guard uniform fits stylishly over his beer gut. ATV remote control slides neatly into Ken’s right hand for those exciting Salem Saturday nights. VIP Pass from Hollywood Video slips into Barbie’s purse along with her Fred Meyer rewards card and lottery tickets. Karaoke Bar set can be purchased to celebrate the couple’s romantic anniversaries and birthdays. Available only at the Lancaster Drive Fred Meyer store.