A ski-mask robber made a couple stops last night, and, reading the story, it looks like he may have been involved in other robberies in the past. But I think the crime will be easily solvable as I think Chris has found an undesputable pattern in the robberies: it’s all about the fake cheese.
Month: January 2006
New Rules
While these kinds of things that get sent around via e-mail are usually attributed to George Carlin, he had nothing to do with this one (as usual). These hilarious “New Rules” are by one of my favorite comedians, Bill Maher, and this list is excerpted from a few of his shows on HBO (and thanks Barney for these):
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.
New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”
New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.
“I Paid $60 for These Stupid Chains And They Don’t Even Work!”
We got a bit of snow locally last night (man it feels good to be able to link someplace again — thanks, Barney!). I came to the office and there was about five inches on the ground with a sheet of ice underneath, and the tourists around here were panicking, many of them were worried they wouldn’t be able to get out of their driveways on the last day of this holiday weekend (it’s not that awful — just take it slow).
But the most entertaining thing I’ve seen in a while has to be a little sedan I followed out of Sunriver. When you’re exiting Sunriver’s main entrance, there’s a ever-so-slight incline and people frequently slip a bit there as the stop sign is at the top of the slope. I came up behind a car with chains on that was really struggling to get out of there, front wheels spinning away.
There was just one slight problem: His chains were on the back wheels, and he was in a front-wheel drive car.
The license plate was from California, and I’m sure the guy has never driven in this kind of weather before, but I’m sure he’s swearing up a storm.
Getting Banned By Google Sucks
If anybody looking at this site has the Google Toolbar, you’ll notice something odd about this site: It has a PageRank of 0 — Zero, zip, nada, nothing. I used to have a PageRank of seven (at least according to the toolbar, which I know isn’t totally accurate). But if you also notice, Google doesn’t have anything on my site indexed.
Basically, my site no longer exists, according to Google.
Read on for the full story….
Engrish At Its Finest
This Japanese ad says “Love Cook” but they don’t pronounce cook over there like us, preferring to pronouncing it like a word that rhymes with “rock.”
Can’t Name The Song Stuck In Your Head?
If you can tap out the rhythm on your space bar, then this site can probably guess the song. It guessed the song I threw at it (American Pie by Don McLean), from its list of nearly 4000 songs.
How To Get A Decent Grade On A Paper With Minimal Effort
All you need to do is chuck in some references to genital mutilation, Dungeons and Dragons, and Homestar Runner, and then watch your grades go up (or at least better than the drivel it was before). Link via b3ta.
Nobody Would Consider Bush A Good Public Speaker
Especially after reading some of this transcript (fixed the question so it read clearer, but Bush’s statement is verbatim). Read it out loud for full enjoyment.
QUESTION: I don’t really understand. How is it the new plan is going to fix that problem?
THE PRESIDENT: Because the — all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There’s a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those — changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be — or closer delivered to what has been promised.
Does that make any sense to you? It’s kind of muddled. Look, there’s a series of things that cause the — like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate — the benefits will rise based upon inflation, as opposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those — if that growth is affected, it will help on the red.
I don’t know about you, but I’m confused.
Thanks Barn for the tip.
Sweet Cargo Van For Sale
If you’re in the need of a cargo van to haul around your stuff, I don’t think you can get any better than the one Simone has for sale. The quick specs:
Model: 4×4 Ford E250 Cargo Van (four-wheel drive conversion done by Quigley Motor Company)
Year: 1997
Miles: 118,000
Color: White
Engine: Triton V-8, 5.4 liter
Transmission: Automatic w. Overdrive
Freebies: 4 Thule roof racks, worth $400, and a set of nice American Racing Aluminum Alloy 17″ rims that fit the van.
Price: $15,000 $14,000 obo
The thing is in great shape, and well worth the price for a workhorse. E-mail Simone for more information, or check out the pictures on her site.
(And if you do e-mail her, tell her you saw the ad on this site, so she knows I sent her the traffic, as I’m trying to help her unload the van.)
Don’t Have A Tivo?
Then have somebody else record it for you. Interesting concept — has anybody used it? Thanks John for the link.