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Central Oregon Barbie Dolls

I posted a version of this joke a while back, but this version has more of a Central Oregon focus (and you'll only really get the last one if you live or work in the Sunriver area). I've made some edits of the version that was sent to me, and you can find the dolls below.

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie dolls for the Central Oregon market.

Newport Market Barbie: This Barbie is made of actual tofu. She comes with hairy armpits, arch less feet, and assortment of tie-dye ponchos, a Prius, some unidentified leafy herbs, and a house with an asking price four times its value. Available with or without old-growth logging protest signs. Note: Bra not available on this version.

Bend Barbie: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Wind star minivan or Subaru Outback and matching velour gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.

La Pine Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, three of her own teeth, a Bronco with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash, preferable small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what the hell you are talking about.

Sunriver Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included is her own Starbucks cup, credit card and Crosswater membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private school Skipper. You won't be able to afford them.

Redmond Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a 24- pack of Busch and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over five feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt. Purchase her pickup sold separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Deschutes River Woods Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of El Reno Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low rise acid washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.

Chemult Barbie: This Barbie comes with a circ 1958 single wide, two Rancheros on cement blocks, a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and a Amtrak thruway bus ticket. Gangsta Ken and his 79 Caddy were available, but have become very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

RJB's Barbie: This Barbie comes complete with a fake ID that only works when Barbie flashes her saggy new implants at the door. Her custom made perfume smells like cheap tequila and stale cigarettes. She doesn't come with a handbag because she is used to Ken, Kent, Kenny or whoever buying her drinks, RJB’s Barbie is also available in plus size.

Posted by Jake on 12/21/06 @ 05:15 PM
Posted in Funny, Local | Permalink

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Welcome Oregonian Readers from UtterlyBoring.com on 06/17/07 @ 10:36 PM:
I'm getting more traffic today than usual, and according to my server logs, it's from people searching for this, based on this Oregonian article (which was on the front page... (Read More)

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