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UtterlyBoring.com is produced by Jake Ortman (e-mail, resume), a 30-year-old dad, percussionist, freelance Web designer, consultant and jack-of-all-trades computer geek, living in Bend, Oregon. He created this so that his expensive journalism and technology degree isn't getting totally wasted. In addition to editing this site in his free time, he is the IT Director and Ad Designer at both Sunray and Discover Sunriver. He has LinkedIn, MySpace, Facebook profiles if you're trying to stalk him.
Opinions and comments on this site are the opinions of the author, not the author's employer, family, friends or pets. This site is powered by Movable Type and is hosted by orty.com. Internet connection provided by Bend BroadBand. Since December 1st, 2002, there have been 5268 entries. Visitors to this blog have posted 16539 comments. If you're reading this, you have too much time on your hands. |
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Oregon State Barbie DollsWhat if Mattel were to make Oregon city-specific Barbie dolls? They might end up something like this (and thanks Yoleen for sending this my way). Portland Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken's generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often "working late." Available at all Portland-area Starbucks retailers. Lake Oswego Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a long-haired foreign lapdog named "Honey." Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation. Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a Porsche. NE Portland Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth habit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. (Manufacturer's note: the model recently known as "NE Portland Barbie" is being phased out, as many of the descriptors no longer apply. She will be renamed "Gresham Barbie," and will come as a complimentary gift with all new accounts at payday loan centers in the greater Gresham area.) Available at many pawn shops. Dallas Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Auburn Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertible separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Army Navy Surplus. Pendleton Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2-sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica 'T'shirt and a Tweedy Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his "episodes" with his boss's daughter. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Scio Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out food stamps form. Construction worker Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional. Available at Value Village. Eugene Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI. Ashland Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts. Walks to work. Likes to "experiment," but will never commit. This model is being phased out and is only available from the manufacturer. Bend Barbie: This tan, outdoorsy Barbie comes with a luxury SUV, pint of whatever is on micro at Deschutes Brewery, a labrador retriever, and trust fund husband who works part-time as a doctor/lawyer/consultant so that they can spend their afternoons golfing/hiking/rock-climbing/fly-fishing/skiing. Cosmetic surgery and blonde highlights are optional. Bend Barbie comes with your choice of a Westside McMansion in either tan, taupe, sand, or mocha. Hawthorne Barbie: This Barbie comes with dark-rimmed "smart" glasses, nose piercing, obligatory shoulder tattoo and your choice of green shoulder-length hair or dreadlocks. You'll have hours of fun driving her around SE Portland in her own 1986 Toyota Corolla adorned with crystals hanging from the rear-view mirror and "Bush lied, People Died" bumper sticker. Hawthorne Barbie comes with an optional "Slacker Ken" doll complete with "Firehouse" T-shirt, scruffy beard and a couch for hours of cartoon doodling and pot smoking. Act now and get a free pack of American Spirit cigarettes and complimentary liberal arts degree from Reed College. NW 23rd Barbie: This Barbie drives a "Giant" mountain bike through Forest Park and works as a barista at the neighborhood non-Starbucks expresso bar while looking for a party animal named Ken that understands commitment. Trains for the Portland Marathon in Adidas running shorts with the waist-band rolled over, with contrasting sports bra. Trying to decide between graduate school in neuroscience or a Subaru with a 5-speed manual transmission. OHSU Barbie comes in several models: Nurse Barbie w/ uniform, stethoscope and picket sign, P.R. Barbie w/ mouth large enough to fit foot in and husband Ken who works as editor for local paper who will write whatever she tells him to, and Dr. Barbie w/ matching condo/health club/bioscience center, which was to have a matching Tram but was recalled because it was a choking hazard to any patient who saw the price tag. Available only in Portland. Salem Barbie: Comes with a bland wardrobe and sensible shoes. The navigation system on her white Jeep Cherokee is preset with her favorite destinations: Target, Big Lots, Tin Tin Buffet, Lancaster Drive, and the Four Square Evangelical Church of Jesus the Redeemer. Customize her ride with included bumper stickers: "Support the Troops," "Stop Abortion Now," and "My Child is a Honor Student at Queen of Peace Elementary School." Salem Ken's prison guard uniform fits stylishly over his beer gut. ATV remote control slides neatly into Ken's right hand for those exciting Salem Saturday nights. VIP Pass from Hollywood Video slips into Barbie's purse along with her Fred Meyer rewards card and lottery tickets. Karaoke Bar set can be purchased to celebrate the couple's romantic anniversaries and birthdays. Available only at the Lancaster Drive Fred Meyer store. Posted by Jake on 05/23/06 @ 02:49 PM
Posted in Funny | 20 Comments | Permalink Submit to digg, del.icio.us, reddit, or stumbleupon 20 CommentsMrs. H said on 05/23/06 @ 02:54 PM:LOL!!! Esp love the Hawthorne Barbie description. Mrs. H said on 05/23/06 @ 02:59 PM: Oh the Hawthorne Barbie should say "shops at Red Light" :P monkeyinabox said on 05/23/06 @ 03:16 PM: Where's the Prineville Barbie? Jake said on 05/23/06 @ 03:20 PM: You write it up, Chris, and I'll make and additional cities addendum. Simone said on 05/23/06 @ 06:35 PM: LOL - perfect! Welcome to the dollhouse ... And Red Light RULES. Simone said on 05/23/06 @ 06:36 PM: Hey - and where's the La Pine Barbie? Oh, wait. The Pendelton one can double as that ... Margaret said on 05/24/06 @ 08:50 AM: Did whoever write this ever actually live in Oregon? It doesn't seem like it and if they have, they missed what it means to be an Oregonian! Jeremy said on 05/24/06 @ 11:32 AM: Haha. Thats funny. I totally ran across this on accident while doing a search, but I'm from Oregon City. It made me laugh. Wyrd said on 05/25/06 @ 04:56 PM: Dammit Jake, What about a Coos Bay barbie. Sits on the beach in her black hoodie and bare feet drinkin beer and yelling "GODDAMN CALIFORNIANS" at anyone gettin in the water. Pat said on 06/03/06 @ 05:43 PM: Tonya Harding Barbie has a pack of cigs in one hand, her skates have one broken lace, and her costume is coming apart. The boxing gloves and hub cap are optional. If you pull her string, you can hear her cough and whine. Ken is equipped with an asp baton and does the bidding of Gilooly Stone, a man who let the wrong brain do his thinking. The set is available at Clackamas Town Center, and for a short time only, Nancy Kerrigan Barbie is offered, complete with one bruised knee. Nancy also wears her gold medal. Echo said on 06/17/07 @ 11:35 AM: this is flippin hilarious!!!! i have lived in central oregon, eugene and portland mentro area. i spend alot of time at the beach and this is PERFECT !!! I LAUGHED SO HARD. brudget said on 06/17/07 @ 09:46 PM: Isnt the NE version a little on the racist side. How ignorant. Is the person who made these up really believe taht of NE? Lame. Jewly said on 06/18/07 @ 05:07 AM: Totally freakin awesome!..now you just need a couple of cheesy commercials shot in someone's garage! NE Resident said on 06/18/07 @ 11:46 AM: This is not journalism. This is racist trash meant to sell more papers. Racist jokes are often funny to some people, aka people who are not aware of the racism or what it is like to be a victim of racism. The Sunday paper had a Barbie picture of a low rider and a girl with a gun in her hand. That is a flat out negative stereotype. Couv said on 06/18/07 @ 12:26 PM: NE Resident needs to learn to relax and take a joke. That said, this collection is not complete without...Vancouver Barbie! Vancouver Barbie is built larger than the Oregon models, but she’s just big boned. Makeup not included. Accessories include sweat pants, cooler of beer, and softball bag. Vancouver Barbie drives Vancouver Ken’s gigantic F350 pickup (which costs more than his apartment) to her job at the Arco convenience store (cheap hot dogs and smokes), and gets groceries at Winco the first Saturday of every month. Kyle said on 06/18/07 @ 01:46 PM: Funny stuff. I remember seeing an email bouncing around that had all the pictures too. That was a few months back. NE Resident - Funny that you are only complaining about the NE Barbie. I'm pretty sure you thought all the other ones were funny huh? No where in the description does it say NE barbie is of a particular ethnicity. Looks to me like you are just reading racism into it so you can complain and make yourself feel better. Get over yourself. They are all pretty darn funny/accurate. Stereotypes have to come from somewhere. They aren't just made up you know. Mark said on 06/18/07 @ 08:44 PM: Sellwood Barbie: Wears a Portland Waldorf teeshirt and drives a Prius with a "When Clinton lied, no one died" bumper sticker, complete with two kids in Hanna Anderson clothing and a lovable rescue mutt. Starbucks cup included. Ken is the primary care giver working part time at a local non-profil. Available only at New Seasons Market. Julie said on 10/01/07 @ 07:21 PM: That is hiralous!!!!!! That is so true about NE! I love it! Just to let everyone know I live in NE! Haha Kate said on 12/20/07 @ 09:42 AM: Thank you thank you. Added some levity to my Yamhill barbie day. Running small home business from my mud isolated farm. Mud boots and oil skin hat included. Joe said on 09/19/08 @ 09:24 PM: I've seen one like this before but this time they almost got it perfect. Should have Red neck Veneta ( something about deer hunting) and Red neck racing for Cottage Grove but the Prison uniform thing for Salem is the funniest one yet!! LMAO. Great job!! Love it!! Post a comment |
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