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How I Spent Halloween

It was a bitter cold Halloween night in Central Oregon (though not as cold as last year where it was snowing and icy). My wife volunteered me to take around the nieces and nephews as well as my oldest daughter, so I ran them up and down the street in their little costumes, got them some candy, and then took them home to warm them back up.

A couple things I plan on doing next year:

1. I plan on carving out a pumpkin and filling it with concrete so that natural selection will take care of those jackass kids that run around the neighborhood smashing in pumpkins.

2. I plan on buy more really crappy canned vegetables. Why, you ask? Last night, we ran out of candy fairly early giving them to all the little ones in our neighborhood. When we ran out, we turned out the lights outside which most people know as the universal "This house is out of candy, go bug somebody else" sign. We did have any little kids show up, because most of them that were out and about were being escorted by their parents, and their parents know better. Just the same, we had a bunch of older kids (13+) that showed up after 8:00 or so that wanted candy. I politely told them that the light was off, that means we don't have any candy, now go the hell away you prepubescent mooch. Sorry, but if you're a teenager, you shouldn't be out trick or treating, period.

About 9:30, somebody knocks on the door very loudly, making so much noise that they woke my one-year old. I open the door to find two kids that are obviously 15+, one of them taller than me, and neither of them in costume beyond a cheesy plastic mask. I told them that we put away our candy, but I'd go dig some out. I ran back to my pantry, reached way in the back to some canned sliced carrots that have been in there for many years, got the two dust-ridden cans, dropped them in the bags (hopefully crushing some of their charity candy) and shut the door. They were running off before they realized what I'd thrown in their garbage bags, so I doubt they even discover it until they got home.

Yes, that's me: Jake the Halloween Grinch. I'm nursing a cold, so I was cranky anyway, that just put me over the edge. So next year I'm going to go to the Grocery Outlet here in Bend, buy the cheapest, nastiest, canned veggies I can find, and give them to kids that are much too old for trick or treating. I have no problems with older kids celebrating the holiday, but do it with some friends at a party or something.

Posted by Jake on 11/01/04 @ 09:36 AM
Posted in Jake | Permalink

4 Trackbacks

Halloween Summary from chuggnutt.com on 11/01/04 @ 10:59 PM:
As usual, it was as cold as a witch's tit last night for Halloween, but at least it wasn't snowing or anything; last year I wrote that it was in the teens. Fortunately this year (Read More)

A Little Treat For Those Obnoxious Teenage Trick Or Treaters from UtterlyBoring.com on 10/26/05 @ 01:08 PM:
Many of you may remember how I spent last Halloween. Long story short, I gave an obnoxious, too-old-to-be-trick-or-treating teenager a can of canned veggies instead of candy because he was... (Read More)

I Survived Halloween, and My Wedding Anniversary from UtterlyBoring.com on 10/31/09 @ 10:54 PM:
As I mentioned in the past, my wife and I got married on the day before Halloween not because we liked the holiday, but because we liked saving money (we... (Read More)

Happy Halloween from UtterlyBoring.com on 10/31/11 @ 09:59 AM:
OK, so we all know that I'm kind of "meh" about the whole Halloween thing (see my canned veggies labels or my concrete filled pumpkin ideas), but my family and... (Read More)

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